Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Randomize
