Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
