I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
