My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
