Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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