chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
