i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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