It was confusing and full of hummus
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
