It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude i'm inner monologue high
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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