I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
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If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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