two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Boobs are out for the taking
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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