Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
