Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
