Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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