dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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