Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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