I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
