if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The best revenge is premature balding
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
