Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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