I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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