eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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