I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
