I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
