Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
