My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
