I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
