you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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