Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
