Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
