it was like his penis was on wheels.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
