I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
