My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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