I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
