His hands were made for my vagina.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
