does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
