and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
