I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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