Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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