____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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