I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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