I forgot how hot balto sounded
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
