if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
