"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
