All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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