I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
