I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
