went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
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Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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