There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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