I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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