Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
