i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
