I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
