Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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