I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i was born a porn star she said
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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