so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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