Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
