Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just found a bag of teeth...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
