We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
